Breaking Free from the Obsession with "How"
We live in a world that’s obsessed with the question: How? How will I get from here to there? How will I make my dreams come true? How will I afford this, achieve that, or make it all work? For many of us—especially those with Virgo energy—how becomes an all-consuming loop, a question that never stops spinning in our minds.
But what if our obsession with how is getting in the way of what we truly want? What if, instead of constantly strategizing, we started with why?
A thought-provoking article I read really hit home on this. It said, “The best balance between personal development and self-acceptance is crucial. Too much focus on either one can lead to less-than-ideal results. If you focus only on personal growth, you lose sight of the present. And if you focus only on accepting yourself, you miss out on growing for the future.” This made me realize: improvement shouldn’t come at the expense of enjoying the present. But on the flip side, we need growth to be prepared for the future. It’s all about balance—being engaged, but not overwhelmed by an endless chase.
The Problem with "How" Thinking
For years, self-help gurus and motivational speakers have told us to stop asking why and start asking how. The intention was to move us out of stagnation, but we’ve now become hyper-focused on execution, disconnected from our deeper motivations. We get caught up in the details, map out every step, but lose sight of what really matters.
The result? Anxiety. Over-planning. Creative blocks. The feeling of being stuck even when we’re “doing all the things.”
This constant pressure to improve can feel like a requirement, not a choice. It leads to burnout and a never-ending cycle of not being enough.
For Black people, this pressure can feel even more intense. Historically, we haven’t always had the luxury of autonomy or the freedom to just “be.” Today, the pressure is compounded by a society that demands we always be evolving, often out of necessity rather than desire. It’s exhausting.
In his critique of modern self-improvement culture, Danish professor Svend Brinkmann talks about the dangers of “self-optimization.” While personal growth is valuable, he argues that we’ve become so obsessed with refining ourselves that we forget to live in the moment. We get caught in an endless loop of self-analysis, always feeling like we need to improve before we can truly live.
This obsession with betterment can also strain our relationships and interactions with society. Instead of addressing systemic issues, we often focus on “fixing” ourselves. For example, rather than pushing for a healthier work environment, we turn to stress management techniques. Instead of questioning social structures, we might embrace wellness trends in hopes of fitting in. In doing so, we become passive participants in our own lives.
Recently, I sat at my Boveda, praying and reflecting on how I view myself. In that moment, I pulled the Eight of Cups from my tarot deck. At first, I didn’t understand, but as I sat with it, the message became clear. "The Eight of Cups is about walking away from what no longer serves you and seeking something deeper—fulfillment, emotional growth, and spiritual evolution." It reminded me that not everything is worth the transformation process. Some things are meant to be left behind.
Self-worth isn’t about constantly pushing for improvement but knowing when to step away. "Letting go without guilt—recognizing that leaving situations, people, or mindsets that no longer align with you is an act of self-love, not failure." Sometimes, forcing ourselves to fit into spaces that no longer serve us does more harm than good.
Why "Why" Matters More Than "How"
Instead of obsessing over how things will happen, let’s take a step back and ask:
Why do you want this so badly?
Why does this path call to you?
Why are you making these choices for yourself?
When we start with why, we reconnect with our intuition. We remember what’s truly driving us. Instead of forcing things to happen, we allow them to unfold naturally in alignment with our deepest desires.
Asking why doesn’t mean ignoring how. It just means we’re not so caught up in the mechanics that we forget the meaning behind what we’re doing.
I’ll admit, I’m exhausted by the constant pressure to show up as my best self every day. I don’t always feel great about everything going on, and I suspect that’s partly because, as a “healer,” I’ve fallen for the notion that I always have to improve—be more positive, more efficient, more accomplished. Society tells us to grind harder today for a better tomorrow, but what if today is enough?
This isn’t to say ambition is wrong. In fact, striving for something meaningful is an essential part of the human experience. There’s real joy in mastering a craft and looking back to see how far we’ve come. But how do we learn to appreciate the slower moments? How can we find fulfillment in rest, in being present, without equating our worth with productivity?
Finding balance is key. It’s an art—knowing when to push and when to let go. We need to step beyond the constant pursuit of self-improvement and ask: What does life mean outside of the chase? Life isn’t just about accomplishing things—it’s about how we experience them.
Living Outside of "How"
When we focus on why, we often find a more straightforward path forward, for example, let’s say you feel lonely and want to meet new people in your city. The how is easy: go to a Monday Night Music Bingo event at a cool spot in your neighborhood- you love music and who doesn’t like some good ol bingo? Not as much stress as a party but enough to be social and with others having a good time. That’s it. Don’t get stuck on all the other “hows”: How will I approach people? Will they be friendly? What if no one talks to me? How will I feel if I’m alone?
These questions are anxiety in disguise. They’re distractions from your why, which is to meet new people and enjoy the experience. Focusing too much on how often deflects us from the real work of inner reflection.
Reframing Your Thinking
So how do we shift back to why?
Start with a gut check: Before planning your next move, ask yourself why you want this. If the answer feels shaky or rooted in external validation, reconsider. If you’re on the spiritual side of things-talk to your Egun. Converse with spirit, divine, God. However you see fit. Sometimes things make more sense when we speak aloud.
Practice surrender: Trust that once you're clear on your why, the how will reveal itself naturally. Creativity and intuition thrive in spaces of trust, not control.
Notice distractions: Are you spiraling in logistics instead of taking inspired action? If so, it’s time to reconnect with your original intention.
Embrace uncertainty: Magic happens when we let go of the need to control every detail. When we stop gripping so tightly to how, we create space for new, unexpected possibilities.
Final Thoughts
We’ve been conditioned to believe that success lies in perfect planning. But the truth is, success lies in alignment. You don’t need to control every step—you just need to know your why.
If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected, it might not be because you don’t know how—it might be because you’ve lost touch with your why.
So, today, instead of asking how, sit with why. See where it leads you. You might be surprised by what unfolds when you stop forcing things and start flowing.
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