Everything's Not Lost

Ego Death, Shadow work, retrogrades, OH MY!

Let’s talk about the sky right now. Baby; Saturn, Pluto, Mercury all in the sky playing games. While we prepare to usher in Jupiter & Neptune retrogrades in just a few days, the effects of the current tides are FELT. AND after two eclipse transitions; in fire & air signs - Yikes! We are all learning some type of lesson right now. Last December I had taken a “trip” and thought I saw myself then – I haven't seen NOTHING yet.

This is the time to do shadow work and I’ve noticed this wounded healer, me, have some work to do. Ahh, yes – the wounded healer. One that can help others but is too confused to help themselves. There are parts of all our shadow selves that’s not pretty and every now & then we need to fix our crowns when they get crooked.

“Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you.”

I want to take accountability here, because this shadow period has lifted the rosy glasses from my eyes. I have not always been a good friend to people, though I have a good heart. I have not always shown up the way I preach to others. I’m sharing this in solidarity for all those who have burnt bridges. When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire. Will you rest in self victimization or rise like a phoenix?

I have shaded, gossiped out of my own frustration + insecurities, overshared, held onto resentment, sub tweeted, ghosted, got carried away with my ego, and not communicated effectively; ouch! Moments I’m not proud of at all. I've missed out on some amazing people because of my emotional immaturity in my youth.

"Your worst enemy sometimes be your own memory, let that shit go."

This level of self-awareness came suddenly as a person I love pointed out things she was not tolerating in our friendship. I was angry, upset, confused, sad, and ultimately embarrassed. I needed work.

None of us are perfect but being a good friend doesn’t have to be complicated. And how can I show up for others if I’m not showing up for myself. Though it was hard to hear- I needed to be checked to become aware of myself so I can grow.

“Get in loser, we are unlearning toxic behaviors.”

As I start to see repeated patterns in my surroundings whether it's friends or family, I'm understanding myself more as I peel back the layers. I began to uncover this ugly hurt that I must let go. I want to love & be loved; be supportive, be kind, have boundaries, have fun, and be honest with others. Not be detached, dissociated, dismissive, negative, and judgmental of others. To the people who knew me as that person then, I am deeply sorry for hurting you in those ways- I apologize sincerely.

YOU can heal and become a higher vibrated version of you. No one can love you, like YOU love yourself. Shadow work is hard AF, but so rewarding. Every challenge is an opportunity for a victory to be won. Don't victimize yourself, and take accountability for whatever this period of retrogrades are revealing. Everything's not lost. What can be found is peace, compassion, and consistency to show up for self. And as the cup starts to overflow with self-love; others will begin to receive it too. Take time, but also grow the fuck up.

“I can still make a beautiful life for myself”

I’m taking time this summer to really think about the environment I want for myself. And I too, have not been honoring my boundaries. I no longer want to be served tea; we will not be exchanging hurt stories of others together. I will not be a gossip buddy. I will not wallow in self-pity and be emotionally dumped on without a check in. I will not accept it.

I want the alkaline water and the fresh juice, baby. Talk to me about what you’re grateful for, what made you smile today, your dreams, stars + constellations, how you’ve changed your mind, growth, opportunities, and love. It’s all about balance. No one is perfect and positive all the time. However, I want to be proud of my tribe and I want them to be proud of me.

"The hardest habits to break are ones you've been carrying all of your life and not everyone will understand the magnitude of those habits."

I’m worth the opportunity + space to grow. I’ve been starting small on this new journey of self improvement and today I admire my strength to forgive. And I hope someone else out there can forgive themselves too.

Hi, My Name Is...

If the world as we know it vanished, would we know who we really are?

When shelter in place began last March 2020, I was in the last few months of my 20s. Like everyone else born in 1990, I anticipated a big celebration with all my favorite people bringing in the next stage of my life. The reality of that happening became smaller as the year went by and at the turn of midnight, I brought it in by listening to my dad play his drums calling in my ancestors for their blessings.

From March to December I felt like the person I've known for so long was dying. As I got to the thick of it, I found it incredibly difficult to relate to anyone. As a Virgo Sun and Pisces moon, I felt the opposite ends of myself. Here was a new version of me emerging from the center of it. Wearing new clothes can show how old clothes weren't fitting so right. This awakening made me face how others were affected by that version of myself too.

Last summer I came out to everyone I love or have crossed paths with as a medicine woman. A woman that conjures, work roots, hear + see beyond, and travel through realms. I was so afraid of being called everything I was not and losing people I've felt close to for so long. My intuition was not wrong, however I have gained back more than what I felt loss. I've been practicing for many years, but avoiding the core of the work; the shadow.

Scott Pilgrim vs The World was one of my favorite movies. At the end, he ultimately had to battle himself. He got through all the exes (challenges) and now Scott must face himself. In a nutshell that's the power of Saturn Returns, returning to self. Placed in real time situations that reflected the most painful traumas of life as a test. For so long I was using spiritual bypass to get away from myself. Not avoiding the work but also just scratching the surface and looking no further. That is of course until the lock down happened.

Knowing why I'm here and understanding my purpose, though I loss my job - I got straight to work. At the same time I started to feel a poke at my spirit. Things started looking differently from two perspectives; mine in my current state and one in the past. There comes the time during a Saturn Return when it gets dark or I like to call it the dark night of the soul. May have heard of the teachings from Eckhart. The last few months of my solar felt like a grieving process and at first I didn't understand what it was I was grieving. I constantly had flashbacks from social gatherings I felt I didn't belong to, past toxic & abusive relationships, confrontations that I would now respond to differently, friendships & bridges I've burned, and family I've neglected.

Realizing how much space my shadow was taking up in my life brought me to tears so many nights. There were hurts I've glazed over in colorful flavors to avoid how bitter they were. One thing I can do well is act like I'm not bothered or aware.

My shadow is combined with different energies; including my past lives. Just because it was a life I lived already doesn't mean the karma won't follow. There were people I would meet that felt like a sign from God but in reality; we've broken each other's hearts 3 lifetimes in a row. My shadow would leave me in chaos so, this life is my chance to break the cycle. By the end of 2020, I awakened to a messy house with people in it I no longer knew; and one was myself.

Christmas 2020 was new as it was for most of the world. First time not spending it with my family in the same room. So after our Zoom Christmas present check in, I went on a magical trip of my own. On the trip I found my most fragile self. There she was in the depths of that darkness shining a light, but too afraid to use the light to be guided out. I saw parts of myself I didn't want to see because it was attached to something bigger from my childhood. I didn't want to cry for my inner child again but something about this journey was different. I needed to rise out of this comfort of who I thought I was to see God's plan. I needed to reconnect with my parents to understand patterns from them, their parents, and so on. I needed to disconnect from people to understand behavior. I needed compassion to unconditionally love myself.

What I've known had collapsed and I needed to rebuild the true foundation of myself here. I've become so far removed from "Samantha" on earth that I felt like I needed a new name. The one my ancestors and benevolent guides had for me. My name came to me in a dream once and repeated back to me by an elder I respect. With that validation, I still felt uncertain to be as powerful as my true name and to be free.

I am not exempt from fucking up. No person on this journey is. That's where grace comes in. I have to take accountability for making a mess in other peoples lives. However, forgiveness begins + ends with me. I must forgive myself even if someone else can not. I have learned where my joy comes from and my past can not take that from me in the now or future. In a weird way, I'm grateful for all than I've experienced with everyone. Even if it didn't turn out how we imagined it to be. It's all love. Some days those flashbacks come in waves but there's something I learned from Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance some years ago. I say to myself, "Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you. " This is a disciplined practice. I'm not meant to be understood by everyone but I have the power to understand and love on me. When that love overflows, it can be felt by the nearest person and the next.

I respect the name my beautiful mother has named me. However, I'm starting to feel Samantha as my shadow now. As I continue being the student of the universe, I'm certain more will change as I transition. One of these days I'll be reintroducing myself to the world with my given name, but for now -

The best things in life

Happy Autumn Equinox.

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"Shed what you need. Grow in places you've feared. Stand tall in your glory. You are worthy sis. Love always find you. You are loved."

Fall is here and that concludes summer. This year has been the biggest learning experience. Over the last 10 months I've learned how important it is to conserve my energy for myself. Recycle the energy that's being put into others and pour it into yourself. Me to me.

I took a year and some time off to heal. During the time of this process I had recently lost my job + had to move out of my home of 3 years all in one month. There I was in the eye of the storm and not losing it like I thought I would be. It was then I started to trust the process and believe I was right where I needed to be. So I returned home. Home is my grand parents house, who both had passed almost two years prior in 2017. My family graciously let my cat Willy and I stay as I figured my shit out. I thought of it as a free residency in a place I already loved. I hadn't been in the house since their passing and I knew the experience was going to be art. I often look at all my transitions + transformations in life as art. Taking a pause was the best thing I could have done for me. Though it was tough, I would do everything all over again the way it happened the first time. I'm grateful for the experience because who knows, maybe I wouldn't have gotten to this place in my life so "quickly".

Love found me in many ways. During the same time, I found myself responding to the world the same way I had been for a long time; THAT PART was no longer serving me. Love made me see that I was not operating from the place I took so long to find within myself. Fear. I wasn't owning my glory because I was afraid to be someone different. Someone better than the version I was use to--yesterday.

Though the relationship didn't last long, the relationship with myself felt more solid. The pain of that situation brought up many emotions for me and I needed to take a bath in them. It's a path I wouldn't have traveled on so soon had this person not showed up in my life. I'm grateful, especially because this is the last year of my 20's! My blind spots became so clear & familiar. Now I roam in & out of those spots, decorating them with trust, personal values, love, and compassion. I've been giving my power away for too long to other people around me. It's time I step into my power and focus on my own shit.

I'm holding space for myself. I love me through these phases.

I hope someone can relate to my stories and know to never give up... trust you are exactly where you need to be.